Lightness

The final meeting to end all the drama between several miscommunications, the ending of a job, the decision not to begin another…

It’s. All. Over.

Though I have two days left at the firm, all the awkward meetings about feelings, leaving, moving on… they are over.

I COULD NOT FEEL ANY LIGHTER THAN I DO RIGHT NOW.

More than a weight was lifted. It is like my entire body and being feels lighter, better, brighter from my inner heart center out. It is exactly what I wanted. My smile actually returned in a genuine was at about 11:45 am this morning. It had been awhile since I’ve seen it.

The fact that in 6 days I’ll be walking on the ocean in San Fran… well, that feels even more amazing.

The fact that I’ve had time/ willpower/ the energy to work out and do yoga a significant number of days in a row… Awesome.

And with NO pain. YES.

Love life… well, I’ll update on that another day… But there is nothing not to smile about.

Liberated.

I made what I think will be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made today.

I decided that, though leaving the arch firm Friday, I am not going to sign with the consulting firm. I am going to focus on school & Pure… and myself. Being happy, healthy, productive, a good manager at Pure, a great teacher at Pure, a good student and peer to my colleagues…

I am going to finally give myself space and time to breathe, even if it means money will be tight for a few months.

It is time to focus on what I preach and be a better me, with the patience I used to pride myself on, the smile that used to sparkle (before 80-100 hour work weeks), and the dedication to my friends & family that I love.

This could very much be the best day I’ve had in four years. I choose happiness and myself, my life, over the zillion bits of noise and pressures floating around.

I cannot wait for my trip to San Fran. I cannot wait to be able to focus.

I am liberated. I am free.

It feels good.

Busy

Though we all knew a job, grad school, and Pure would make me busy, I never knew this much.

Overwhelmed is an understatement. But I can’t lie. I’ve also had some really great things happening aside from just work. I’m moving from the firm to working from home in recruiting/ HR for a consulting firm… who is willing to give me benefits and quarterly performance bonuses… I don’t think there is a person in the history of time who operates better on an incentive scheme than yours truly. So I’m pumped. And I can’t wait to do what I want to do and what I’m studying, for a small company, and for all the right reasons. For what I want to do… can you think of something better than getting people jobs and making employees happy? I can’t. Seriously.

But while I’m still at the arch firm this week, it’s overwhelming. I need about 48 hour days. Seriously.

My back is about 90% better. Thanks for the support, everyone. I am still not ready to talk about some of the confrontations I had last week… another day.

Instead, my focus is on San Francisco… 8 more days. I can NOT wait. Dinners, hiking, yoga, wine country, PureBarre with my LovelyMissB… It’s gonna be great.

 

 

 

 

What’s important

Sometimes I wonder if what I think is important in life is all wrong.

I think the following things are important as I get older:

1. Communication: Effective, non-confrontational, honest, and real communication. From friends to family to lovers, communication is what makes the world go round in a peaceful way. It is always a work in progress as a woman to communicate in this way but I can honestly say that I strive to every day and I even think before I speak now as much as possible.

2. Reality: Reality is important. The little things like a long walk with your dog, a cup of morning coffee with your best work friend… the reality of life is that the little things are important. Not degrees or networking or titles. Not money.

3. Time: My time is important. Your time is important. Let’s not waste time with false perceptions about a business deal, a reason why we’re talking (i.e. people who come out of the woodwork now that you own a business… and they can make money off of you!), or the future. Be on time to appointments. Set an alarm. My time and your time are valuable and don’t insult me otherwise. (Now, I may feel this way b/c free time is so sporadic right now… one more week!!! YES!) I’m talking about professional time right now. My friends never disrespect my time and I do not theirs.

I don’t understand why, especially at 29, there are people older than me, who at one point I admired, who don’t get this. Don’t send a passive aggressive email unless you REALLY mean it. Say it to me. Communicate. Say it to my face.

Grow a pair, really .

Oh wait. That’s not the corporate way ;I’ve now been told this 3 times in 2 days. I refuse to believe that this is the rule rather than the exception. I must look on the bright side that I’ve had run-ins with 3 formerly admired superiors in my life within the last 24 hours that displayed a complete inability to communicate (until a passive aggressive/ antagonistic/ plain NASTY explosion via email or chat channel), an inability to recognize that reality and not some “corporate culture” is important, and that time is short. They have no concept of respecting someone’s space or time, unless it is their own.

I am saddened to learn people I admired have disappointed me. While no one is perfect, and I am holding out Pollyanna-ish hope for an apology, especially from one of them, it is the insults, the personalized communication directed at my character, that is not only false but also malicious, that has hurt me the most. As I get older, I find this harder to forgive or forget, even with an apology, because it speaks to the color of one’s soul. When one snaps and says something that hurtful… there is darkness there that I want absolutely no part in.

It is a waste of my time, reality, and communication.

“‎Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen Hard. Practice wellness. Play with abondon. Laugh. Choose with no regrets. Appreciate your friends. Continue to learn. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is”
― Dr. Seuss

I did it again.

I fell and straddled some poor stranger on the train. Yup. Seriously. On my way home from grad school. And yes, he was very, very cute.

Unbelievable. I’m amazing. Ha.

What a day between signing the recruiting papers for the consulting firm, Pure being busy as heck, San Fran in 16 days for a vacay, and puppy sitting a black lab.

Retaliation

I don’t understand why people have to retaliate when someone is honest with them. I have so many incidents this week of just people who are so angry… and not at me. Just at life… but it manifests in anger at me.

Incident 1: See last blog about the networking event.

Incident 2: A guy friend who has always just been a bit too touchy feely (even when I was dating his friend!) sent me a nasty email when I finally just said, hey I’m not interested, in the friendliest but also most direct way as possible.

Incident 3: 2 senior level people at my firm had a mix-up with conference rooms on Wednesday. One person full on swore (in front of clients!) and then proceeded to stomp her feet. The other is still refusing to acknowledge my presence. Kicker: IT WAS NOT MY FAULT. It was totally fluke chain of events that was about 4 or 5 other people’s faults. Yet I’m the one who was cussed and am still getting the cold shoulder.

WTF people. Grow up. Take a vacation to a sunny climate. Don’t rain on my parade when I have done nothing but try to communicate in a constructive, friendly manner without emotions and been nothing but professional.

What’s worse is that it makes me want to retaliate. It took all of my power not to snap back with conniving, insulting, and hurtful comments. Sometimes you just reach your limit. I can’t wait until my back is completely healed (I think I’m about 80%, WHOO HOO) and I can kickbox again.

And worse… I am taking satisfaction that I do feel like the bigger, better person this week. Is that wrong? Is that too much confidence? Or have I really finally grown up to let things roll off my shoulders, to refuse to let people ruin the great energy I can feel being created around me, and to know when I should just walk away?

Everyone is trying to accomplish something big, not realizing that life is made up of the little things.

-Frank A. Clark

(Like treating people with respect and a smile)

Have a lovely weekend everyone!

Networking or group therapy?

So, on Tuesday night, I almost got kicked out of a networking event. Yes, seriously.

For grad school, we were told we had to go to an organizational association event and were given a list of possible meetings to go to. A bunch of us chose an organization that had a dinner & panel discussion on this past Tuesday evening. It was only $15 and it was at our school; how could we lose we figured when other events were up to $100?

I show up at 6 pm, straight from work, dressed professionally and quite excited despite some personal drama (let’s just say Dallas and I are no longer friends… whole other blog on that to come…). There were about 10 of us from my program there and I am enjoying getting to know them so it was fun to sit and chat over dinner before the event.

The event begins and the moderator asks who is “in a job/ career transition”… which we all know means unemployed. I would estimate 70% of the room raised their hands. None of which were my fellow students… I found it interesting that all of us work part or full time and these people do not. But that’s another subject.

The panel then answered a lot of fluffy questions about networking and where the organizational development field was heading (one answer included that “more technology”…. Really? What is this, 1990, when computers were new or something?).

When Q&A came around, I stood up and asked what tangible plans of action they had to recommend to someone breaking into the OD field aside from networking and being up to date on trends? I asked if we should make cards, websites, etc…

I then had no less then 5 people begin to yell at me and tell me several self-help books I should read.

To which I responded that thank you very much, but I actually owned a successful yoga studio and work in HR/ Admin at an architecture firm PLUS I’m in the grad school program.

That did not appease the yelling or people I pissed off. The moderator cut me off and told the grouo the Q&A was over.

Now, the kicker is this: my chair at the table I was originally sitting at was then taken by someone else.

I freaking walked out and was then chased by a few people, including panelists. Who gave me ideas for my self-help books. I told them someone with my capabilities didn’t need a group hug at a networking event, but an actual place to give me create ideas for my business and for my career.

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I’m going to guess my professor isn’t going to be happy with me tonight. Oh well. I still think they were being a bunch of babies who never actually answered my question. I could have given a better answer and told them to create a LinkedIn account, be friendly and social at all times (not just at networking events), build relationships, ask for tours of offices you are interested in working with… there are a million things you can do to change your career, but reading books about “emotional unemployment” is not one of them.

I am happy.

I finally feel like my stress levels have evened out. I feel happy. I feel relaxed. I feel capable and able.

I am trying to embrace it without letting down my guard too much. Lord knows “the other shoe has dropped” on me a few times over the past 4 years.

But if things continue to stay this easy, this simple, this intuitive… I could get used to this.

I still need to work less in order to take care of me more and even have some extra time to play, but I think I finally have the perspective I have been in search of for a long time. It’s an amazing feeling.

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Side note: I will write tomorrow about how I was harassed out of a networking event at grad school. Apparently I can be quite opinionated. Shocker.

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Night owl

I have never been a night owl.

I have always been an annoying morning person. Like a Labrador ready to go out and play, I usually bound out of bed at an early hour by choice. Waking up at 7 am on a weekend when I don’t have to just happens for me. I guess I like the sunrise. Or maybe I like that I get everything I need to get done before noon and I have the whole day to play. I love lonesome lakefront walks/runs as the sun comes up with my cup of coffee… like I have the whole city of Chicago to myself. Beautiful.

But lately, I’m becoming a night owl. This whole back injury has changed my habits (that were even changing before with 2012 as a whole). I’m sometimes watching really inane crimes shows or Family Guy on Netflix until 1 am. I’m falling asleep on my couch until 3 am. I’m becoming this weird college student… like the sleeping patterns of one without the partying and fun… and instead with the grad school program, one aspiring career in consulting, and a full-time ownership of another career in owning a yoga/ fitness studio.

Seriously. I even play video games to chill out sometimes. If that doesn’t say “college student”, I don’t know what does.

Until I open myriad Excel spreadsheets, check my daily financials for my 2 professional and personal endeavors, and realize that I have no less than 5… yes, FIVE… email accounts that require checking, maintaining, and prompt responses. Good lord. No wonder I’m a night owl these days.

And I have a lot of thoughts in my head (duh, most inarticulate statement ever). I feel like I have some really great ideas that I need to work out, to figure out how they can materialize. I met with an amazing businessman today in regards to doing some consulting work for him and his already wealthy self-owned company. He is no short of brilliant and with the degrees and resume to show it (pharma background, neuro bio masters, PLUS an MBA… he makes me look lazy).

He is also the most direct person I have ever met. He has Asperger’s syndrome (he tells everyone he meets this so they don’t get awkward). He will point out a flaw in your collar, a stain on your sleeve, a kink in your zipper… he has to, it’s compulsive. It’s refreshing, really. Someone who says what they think (and not meanly)… he says everything he thinks directly. It was amazing. His honesty is endearing, not cruel. He is aware he is blunt but he is kind, apologetic, almost child-like until he talks business and you realize that he has the potential to change the world and how hospitals care for patients.

He may be my new favorite person to do business with/ for.

So tonight, as my new pattern of staying up too late continues, I think of him and I think of that new boy I met. He is incredibly blunt too. Refreshingly so, really. Our first “real” date got canceled tonight for a client emergency on his end. Honestly, I have an 8:30 am-8 pm day tomorrow so I’m not heartbroken myself since I would have been staring at the clock, wondering when I could finally go to sleep. As I realize that, it reinforces what I said in my last blog…

I’m ready to make time for the right people. I don’t want to worry about bed time every night.

Maybe there is a night owl in me after all. Or a girl who wishes she was awake for more reasons than blogging and pondering life.

 

Vulnerability

As many of you know, I injured my back last Sunday. I was walking on the fresh snow at about 8:30 am. It was all black ice underneath. I was being careful… and I still went down. Hard.

The bruise on my elbow remains several lovely colors. The bruise on my ego is also still many colors too.

Now, the back injury… that is a whole other beast that I am just warming up to. I have not felt pain like I felt this week since I broke my leg in two places in high school. I am not exaggerating. Though Sunday and Monday were manageable, and Tuesday I even went to work, it was Wednesday morning that still brings tears to my eyes.

I woke up on Wednesday morning at 6:45 a.m. My back had been in so much pain the night before that I had pre-empitvely cancelled clients in the morning. I woke up optimistic for another half day of rest before a day at the architecture firm.

By 7:20 a.m., I still had not gotten out of bed. Not only could I barely move my legs, but when I did, the pain… the ripping  pain, like my muscles were tearing from my bones, made me scream out. Tears streamed down my face. I struggled to breathe. I called one of my best friends, if not my very best friend, LL, in Maine (not that she could do much there but she is a problem solver).

7:45 a.m. and I finally get a hold of LL. I am crying so hard that I can barely talk. LL calms me down and calls her orthopedic surgeon husband who tells her to tell me to call 911.

That was not what I wanted to hear. I try one more time. I scream so loud that the neighbors upstairs stop their morning. I had frightened them.

8:00 a.m. I call my landlord. He unlocks the door and walks away. Doesn’t even ask me how I am… whatever, that’s not even worth my time.

8:45 am… my business partner finally gets to my apartment because at this point, everyone else I know is at work, out of town, or has no car/ etc… no way to help. I tell him to brace his stomach. He turns green as he watches my pain and as he finally helps me up to stand. The pain has turned me green as well. By the time I stand, I am in pain but I am ok. I am bearable.

I spend the day with my business partner at his home, checking my insurance coverage and being careful to stay heavily medicated. I finish my schoolwork. I get much done for the studio. I rest.

Thursday morning comes and I sleep in his guest room, waking every 3 hours to take pain medicine. The ER the next morning is slow but by 12 noon I finally have NorCo, Valium, and a site injection of ibuprofen. Xrays show nothing. Torn muscles, ligaments, and a deep contusion are the conclusion; they tell me to pray that I didn’t herniate a disc that they can’t see (X-rays only show bones).

I get in a cab to go home from the hospital, a cab that makes me scream with every sudden stop, the pain is still coming in torrential waves, even with all of the drugs.

There is something so lonely about being in the hospital alone, getting the results alone, going home in a cab to rest from the ordeal alone.

There is the fear that another morning like Wednesday’s to face alone is incomprehensible.

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It is Sunday. I am 10% better each day than the day before I would say, maybe 30% bettter overall since the injury happened. There is no protocol but time and patience. Virtues I need to work on and now is my chance. I always knew my teaching career would end one day, and now I get to manage the studio, manage my business, direct teachers that are new and shiny and bright. It could be the Valium talking, but I feel great. I feel less overwhelmed and more in control. I feel like I am ready to pass on my knowledge, manage the business, do marketing, schoolwork, consulting work… and actually, work less, play more. Finally.

I think my back is a blessing. I even have a date on Monday that I’m really excited about. A date that 3 weeks ago I wouldn’t have time for but now I’m able and choosing to make time. I think he might be pretty awesome.

We shall see.

But for now, while the pain sucks, the whole experience is one that I think will be my turning point and I am so happy. I am so relieved.

In a way, this is what I was waiting for. I don’t have to jump through and around hoops anymore, I was pushed off the ledge and into a teaching sabattical. And I am happy.

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To my new staff and some very wonderful clients… you are why Pure exists. Your support, your text messages, your emails… your willingness to go as far as to drive me somewhere, bring me groceries… it brings tears to my eyes. Thank you. Thank you. May I be as a good a friend and person to you as you are showing me.

xoxo